Photo by bea29sm

We’re all believers, and from a Christian perspective porn is a problem. Well, to him it was sort of a problem, but not serious enough to quit. This was the issue that had torn us apart and ended our relationship the previous year. When we finally broke up he said it had been a mistake to tell me about his porn issue in the first place. And he wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.

When I shared this dilemma with some of my girl friends, I was surprised when one of them defended my ex-boyfriend. She almost warned him about the decision I was trying to make. I was stunned. Wouldn’t any girl want to know something like this long before she hands over her heart and the rest of her life on their wedding day?

Hypothetically, let’s say you haven’t met your future husband yet. He has an addiction to porn, and it’s a problem that’s pretty easy to hide. He has learned from the past that being honest about it brings only conflict. So he decides not to tell his future girlfriend about it.

Then he meets you.

You fall head over heels in love. He’s sweet, funny, hard working, handsome, goes to church every Sunday, yada yada. As far as you’re concerned, he’s the one you’ve been waiting for! He’s the man with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. He’ll be the father of your children, the one you grow old with.

Would you want to know his secret before saying your vows? And would you appreciate his ex-girlfriend telling you about it?

As for my own situation, I chickened out of saying anything. If his now-wife is ever hurt by something I could have prevented, I can already imagine how responsible and heartbroken I’ll feel.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to end our relationship if I didn’t come to terms with the idea that porn might just be a part of the rest of his life. I wasn’t ‘accepting’ him; I was ‘judging’ him and trying to ‘change’ him. Those were his accusations agains me when I pleaded repeatedly for him to get help. He told me I was the one who needed help; I was too sensitive. This sort of thing wouldn’t bother me, he said, if I had healthy self-esteem. My words for it were different. He was cheating on me. It was hurtful, it was unloving and wrong.

Something didn’t sit right about his explanation of the whole thing, so I started talking to people. I searched the Scriptures for answers and the internet for support. I learned that he’s far from being the only Christian guy in denial about sexual addiction. The numbers are, sadly, huge. Promise Keepers has reported that 70% of men have a weakness for porn, and 40% of pastors struggle with viewing porn online.

During my research I also found people, like the guy in the video (below) and the writers at Promise Keepers, who see the problem objectively and call it what it is. Lust is widespread and it is sin. And it wreaks havoc in the lives of wives and girlfriends, and everyone else who’s life it touches.

If your husband or boyfriend denies the real effect of his porn addiction on you or on himself, don’t let him guilt you into supporting his addiction (or habit or whatever he may call it). If he’s not ready to give it up, the last thing on earth he wants is to hear that he’s hurting you, that he’s dealing with an addiction, and that it’s a serious problem, so he’ll use manipulation or intimidation (or both) to make you buy into his fantasy that everything’s okay. For your sake and his, please don’t let yourself get caught in the lies that are already entangling him. It is absolutely wrong, and it’s perfectly natural to feel hurt.

If you need to vent or if you’d like encouragement from someone who understands, please don’t hesitate to comment here. I’d be glad to hear from you and help any way that I can.

InnerGold Counseling Services specializes in the treatment of those seeking help and recovery from pornography and sexual addiction. InnerGold provides professional resources to help one find recovery and sobriety.

Licensed Professional Counselor Gordon S. Bruin has developed a first of its kind pornography/sexual addiction self help treatment manual. The manual is based on thousands of hours of personal experience treating those who are seeking help and recovery from pornography and sexual addiction issues.

In this two part [video] presentation, Gordon Bruin explains the role of the limbic system in the brain in pornography addiction and sexual addiction. Learn how the brain works with addiction. Learn why we become addicted and start the healing process.

Whether or not you struggle with a porn addiction, you can help others who are fighting this battle. Please consider filling out a confidential survey for a Wheaton College researcher. The purpose of Dr. William M. Struthers’ study is:

to aid in the understanding of what factors play an important role in those who struggle with pornography-related issues. The benefits of this study will be to provide a clearer understanding of why individuals struggle with pornography and how this information can aid in their recovery.

Check out the survey here:
STUDY ON PORNOGRAPHY HISTORY AND USE FACTORS

A 36-year-old former youth pastor, Joel Price, has been arrested on charges of child pornography after authorities found more than 6,000 pornographic images and videos on his Florida home computer.

Price was the youth pastor at New Tribes Mission in Sanford, Fla. He lived directly across the street from a church. His involvement with youth at the congregation is in question, as representatives say he only worked as in a missionary maintenance role with tribes in Venezuela. However, a local TV station reported that he had contact with the church’s children.

Source: Dec. 30/08 article at ChurchSolutions

January 5, 2009:

Churches in Volusia County, Fla., as well as across the country, are beefing up security and screening for volunteers amid recent arrest of staffers and volunteers who have been involved with child pornography.

The recent arrest of Joel Price, a 36-year-old former youth pastor, has brought the issue back to the forefront. Pastors and church leaders have shared some of their screening and prevention strategies:

•Requiring prospective volunteers to have attended church for at least six months
•Requiring employees and volunteers to fill out applications, be interviewed, be questioned about sexual history, and submit to background checks
•Never allowing adult workers to have prolonged one-on-one contact with small children
•Having ushers or paid security monitor hallways and empty rooms during events

Source: Jan. 05/08 article at ChurchSolutions